When I began to read the manga My Lesbian Experience with Loneliness, I thought it would be about a woman on a journey to discovered that she was a lesbian, yet, (SPOILER ALERT!) the lesbian just came at the end, and perhaps I should say I didn’t saw this manga as a lesbian story, it was more about this raw and realistic side of what a depressed person has to go through. Coincidentally, I finished reading the manga the day it was World Mental Health Day, shall we talk about this issue, plus, with the help of this manga?
If you’re a living being who happens to be force to live on Earth, you are probably have experience depression, or perhaps, you are experiencing it right now, or if your not, you will be, in the future. If you know what depression feels like, you are not alone, yet, you feel so lonely when you do, isn’t that right?
People tell you to just talk, or even worst, they tell you to get over with. I clearly remember the time I was told to get over with my depression, by someone who I had opened my heart to, and thought it was a friend. In that moment, I felt so betrayed and alone, and more sad that I already was. After that, how would I ever be honestly opening about myself to another person again?
It is okay to feel blue from time to time, but if the sadness is trying to drag you down for months and months, that it’s not okay, and obviously you have to ask for help, still, who should you be asking for help? Who is that perfect person? Simple answer, is people you can trust and they care about you. However, there aren’t many of those people, right?
Depression for me is like having a replicant of mine, but in a devil version. You know, always appearing in the darkest corner in the room, with frown redish eyes, creepily smiling, and being entertained by my misery. This version of mine, it only appears to be angry, sometimes it scream at me, and sometimes tells me the things she wants me to do. She’s just there to drag me down. The manga showed a similar theme like mine, the protagonist explain her sadness through her consciousness, like she is not control by herself, but from a clone of her.
However, there is also that conciousness that tries to sustain you, to give you a reason to breath, but she might be so small that you just ignore it, even though, she begs you to stop, to do the right thing.
I have this assumption that people who experience depression are genuinely nice people, because they might look they live for themselves, but at the same time, they know they are doing things for the people who they care about. The problem with depressed people is they care too much, and we only need to be told to take a break and just try to be happy, but it’s so hard someone who said this to us.
I understand what the character in the manga is going through. For your information, the character in the manga is a woman living in Japan, and I assuming that the manga is about the author’s own experience, and unless if you haven’t being living under a rock, Japan is a very pushy and overwhelming country for the Japanese themselves. A Japanese friend of mine, she literally told me that people working in Japan, like for example, waitresses in coffee shops, they would receive you with a greeting smile and cheerful attittude, but in the inside there is no soul inside them. I can understand her, because I think Korea has also the same cultural ideas as Japan.
Mainly the presure of being the best, it’s definetely comes from the parents persuading their children, and I understand is a cultural thing, but it’s just to obvious that is killing the souls of their own children. Why? Why is okay letting this go on? Why do parents in Asia tell their children to be the best, instead of telling them to persuade happiness? I don’t care if countries are becoming a better and developed countries, but in the other side, there are people killing themselves, because they can’t be the best.
Personally, sometimes I feel like a showing off trophy to my parents, but gladly, my parents weren’t as pushy as the people really living in Korea.
Depression also becomes a torture machine not just mentally, also physically. I see these presure of “fitting into society”. I see all these people appearing on tv, with their obvious plastic and million dollar treatment faces, and skinny bodies, thinking that they are better than others. I have met some upcoming celebrities here, in Korea, and to be frank, the majority are just the worst, they think they are better, for whatsoever reason, but you know what, I treated them like humans, and if they were rude to me, I was rude to them back, because I wasn’t going to be with my hands cross. Honestly, they were just regular people to me.
Honestly, finding randomly good people in Korea, is so hard, if you go to the street, everyone is just depressed and so unsatisfied with their lives. But one day I was taking the bus in a busy hour, and I remember there were many people getting inside, and my t-money card had an error. I immediately got in panic mode, because I felt that the driver was going to get mad, also the people who were at my back waiting to get in line. Instead, the driver was really nice, he talked to me with a kind tone, and told me he would fixed my card, so he did. I was so grateful, that before I was getting off to my stop, I took some candies from my bagpack and gave it to the driver, and I wasn’t just doing it because I felt grateful, but also because if he encounter another person in the same situation like me, I hope he did the same as he did with me, and that it how I left that bus. Sometimes, saying thank you might make somebody’s day. So whenever I got the chance of complement somebody, I always take that chance, because you don’t know how minorly or majorly would help people to let them know that they are special, and is just a way to telling them that they have a life worth living.
Depression is always there to take the best of you, you forgot what is worth living for. Going outside is a battlefield, because you are so hurt and so vulnerably that going outside it feels that you’re being exposed, and everyone is an enemy againts you. You don’t know who can be there for you, since you are also not trust worth it. So, you stay hidden, in your room, safe with your four walls, covered from the malicousness from the outside.
But what if I tell you everything is going to be okay? I thought I would never get out from the black hole of depression, yet, I managed it to get out. It wasn’t easy though. I had to let people who were hurting me to go away. I began trying to do new things, instead of just doing the things that would help my career. I was just looking for a place to be, than forcing myself to fit in somewhere I didn’t belong. And, after the storm, I felt like I was starting a new beginning, just like I had previously had done in the past.
Here’s the thing, being depressed you feel stuck, and the only exit is jumping from a building, or drawning on a bathtub. But, I do believe that we have a purpose, I really do believe it, we just have to live it. And hey! Look at me, I’m still here, breathing and happy.
Don’t go around looking for the things that can be shown off, instead show that you can be happy and strong. Fine new worlds, travel more, eat better, do some exercise. Don’t give excuses by saying you can’t, because you can’t afford it, I born and lived in a poor country and I seen poor people being genuinely happy, because they just are, and wealth is the least of their problem. Look. Look for the people, or person, or thing, or place, or hobby, just look. Because it can be anyone or anything, you just need to take a risk and follow your heart, and putting aside the tactics in your mind.
P.S. Don’t forget to randomly be nice, not just today, but every day.
With love always,